THE     TEDDYSEE 


THE  TEDDYSEE 


BY 


WALLACE    IRWIN 


ILLUSTRATED  BY  M.   L.  BLUMENTHAL 


NEW   YORK 
B.    W.    HUEBSCH 

1910 


Copyright,  1910,  by 
THE  CURTIS  PUBLISHING  Co. 


Copyright,  1910,  by 
B.  W.  HUEBSCH 


PRINTED  IN  U.  S.   A. 


The  text  and  illustrations  here 
printed  first  appeared  in  The 
Saturday  Evening  Post.  The 
courtesy  of  the  publishers  in 
permitting  their  reissue  in  this 
form  is  hereby  acknowledged. 


THE     TEDDYSEE 


BOOK  THE  FIRST 


THE    TEDDYSEE 


BOOK  THE  FIRST 

I.  — The  Godlike  Tedysses  Setteth  Out  for 
Oblivion,  But  Misseth  the  Train 

IT  seems  that  Jove,  who  on  Olympus  sat 
Picking   his   teeth  with    thousand-volted 

shafts- 

The  date  was  March  4,  1909— 
Looked  down  on  burning  Washington  and 

cried: 

;'Juno,  it  seemeth  me  this  Teddy  Boy 
Hath    kicked    the   Short-and-Ugs    about 

enough. 
See  how  his  chariot  rageth  through  the 

smoke 
Squashing   Tillmanicus,    bumping   Uncle 

Joe, 

ll 


THE    TEDDYSEE 


'  '  Prodding  the  wolf  Aldrichas  till  he  snarls— 
Now  and  again  he  swingeth  on  some  Trust 
E'en  as  J.  Johnson  poked  the  giant  Jeff. 
Minerva's  spectacles  and  Vulcan's  teeth 
He  wears  for  slaughter  —  O  Tedysses  bold! 
Loud  ringeth  thy  bullful  'Bully!  '  through 

the  land. 
Wall  Street  doth  throw  a  fit  when  thou 

dost  sneeze; 
Smashed  lies  the  Gang,  and  men  are  sick 

of  blood." 
The   white-armed   Juno,    powdering    her 

nose, 
From  Heaven  looked  down  upon  the  messy 

scene. 

She  spoke:  "  'Tis  easy  to  be  rid  of  Ted. 
Men  vanish  when  the  gods  say  '  23  !  ' 
What  I  propose,  O  Zeus,  is  simply  this: 
Send  this  Tedysses  on  some  wild-moose 

chase 

To  Europe,  via  Congo,  Swaziland, 
Mombasa  and  a  string  of  black-face  stop- 

offs 
Not  found  in  New  York  Central  railway 

guides, 
Twelve  months  to  wander  —  and  I'll  bet 

my  sandals, 

If  Afric  lions  do  not  do  their  duty, 
The  Mighty  Noise  of  Sagamorea's  hill 
WTill  find  Oblivion  in  some  other  way.  '  ' 


THE   TEDDYSEE  13 

Thus  Juno  spake  while  jovial-smiling  Jove 
The  button  pressed,  called  Mercury  and 

cried: 

" Boy,  take  this  ticket  to  Tedysses— scoot!  " 
Fleet  Hermes  bore  the  pasteboard,  which 

was  marked 

"Good  for  One  First-Class  Passage  to  Ob- 
livion. ' ' 

Oblivion!      O  ye  gods,  high  overhead, 
Ye  cannot  shove  a  card  like  that  on  Ted! 

//.  — Mercury  Delivereth  the  Ticket  and 
Tedysses  Breaketh  Away 

' '  Penelope,  Penelope ! ' ' 

The  brave  Tedysses  cried — 
And  when  he  called  Penelope 
'Twas  generally  known  that  he 

Meant  Taftica,  his  bride — 
"O  fair  and  fat  Penelope, 

I'm  going  for  to  go 
To  wild  and  woolly  Afrikee, 
Where  elephants  and  reptiles  be 

And  pizen  skeeters  grow. 
But  I'll  come  back,  Penelope, 

As  sure  as  you  are  born— 
There  ain't  a  snake  can  puncture  me; 

My  cuticule 

Is  like  a  mule 


14  THE   TEDDYSEE 

4 'And  skeeter-proof  my  pores  they  be; 
While  my  rough-riding  vertebrae 
Would  stop  a  rhino's  horn." 

"My  hero!  "  cried  Penelope, 
"The  rhino  what  collides  with  thee 
Will  surely  crack  his  horn. " 

"But,  ere  I  go,  Penelope," 

The  brave  Tedysses  said, 
"These  last  instructions  take  from  me: 
Shun  Nelson  A. ,  Sereno  P. , 
And  uncular  Josephus  C. , 
When  they  come  making  eyes  at  thee, 

Awishing  for  to  wed. 
Our  little  son  Giffordius 

In  trust  with  thee  I  leave. 
He  is  a  Nature-loving  cuss 

And  oft  for  me  he'll  grieve. 
And  if  some  Moneyed  Interest 

Molests  my  Gifford  P., 
Ah,  press  him  tightly  to  thy  breast, 
And  think,  oh,  think  of  me!  " 

Penelope  she  tightly  pressed 
The  Constitution  to  her  breast 

And  sighed:  "I'll  think  of  thee!  " 

Tedysses  cleared  his  golden  throat 
And  dropped  a  godlike  tear. 


THE   TEDDYSEE  15 


!My  Policies  you'll  kindly  tote 

When  I  am  gone,  my  dear. 
I  cannot  name  them  all  to  you, 

Because  they're  such  a  lot- 
There 's  several  just  finished  new 

And  some  that  I've  forgot. 
But  if,  when  I  return  to  thee, 
My  Policies  intact  I  see, 
I'll  know  that  you've  been  true  to  me— 

If  not — why,  then  you've  not. " 

;  My  own,  my  Party  Spouse, ' '  said  she, 
Perhaps  I'll  be  quite  true  to  thee— 
Perhaps,  again,  I'll  not." 


16  THE   TEDDYSEE 

III.  —  Godlike  Exploits  of  Tedysses  in 
Ethiopia 

(This  here  chapter  I  omit— 

It  is  laid  in  Afric's  clime, 
Where  Our  Hero's  gun  doth  hit 

Fourteen  jungles  at  a  time. 
Wounded  lions  he  enrages— 

Oh,  you  know  the  stuff  I  mean! 
You  can  find  it  in  the  pages 

Of  a  Current  Magazine.  ) 


-  -  The  Much-  Wandering  Tedysses 
Heareth  the  call  of  the  Tame;  So 
He  Hiketh  to  Cairo  and  Calleth 
Down  the  Black-and-Tan  Insur- 
gents 

On  the  shores  of  Africay 

Bold  Tedysses  now  doth  stand 
With  a  hippo  dead  and  gray 

Resting  lightly  in  his  hand. 
There's  a  look  of  Far  Away 

On  his  brow  of  high  command. 

For  his  ear 

Seems  to  hear 

Something  marvelously  queer 
In  the  distant  U.  S.  A. 
Something  like  a  '  '  thump-thump-thump  !  '  ' 
Followed  by  a  ghastly  Bump!  ! 


THE   TEDDYSEE  17 

!O  ye  gods  and  little  fish! 

O  ye  snails  of  Oyster  Bay! 

Faith,  this  soundeth  quite  suspish- 
ious  to  one  so  far  away! 

Has  Penelope,  forsook, 

By  some  Handsome  Trust  been  took? 

Have  the  Predatories  snook 

With  my  Conservation  Book? 

Is  the  Big  Stick  now  a  crook? 

Has  the  Square  Deal  got  the  hook? 

Fain  on  Congress  would  I  look!  " 
Fear  disturbed  his  plexus  solar 
As  he  ground  each  perfect  molar, 

As  he  stood  in  thought  a  while. 

Then  he  hoofed  it  many  a  mile 

Down  the  lotos-bearing  Nile. 

Holy  Egypt! 

Such  a  break-up 

Of  a  shake-up 

And  a  wake-up! 

Not  since  Joseph,  son  of  Jacob, 

Prophesied  long  years  of  drouth 

Has  a  stranger,  bent  on  touring, 
Hit  old  Nilus,  long  enduring, 

Such  a  wallop  in  the  mouth. 

'Midst  the  mummies  and  the  scarabs 
Teddy  lectured  baby  Arabs 

On  "The  Strenuous  Endeavor." 
While  the  poor,  astonished  Sphinx 


18  THE   TEDDYSEE 

Gasped  with  shrinks  and  winks  and  blinks 
At  this  flood  of  Modern  Thinks, 

Groaning  hoarsely,  "Well,  I  never!" 
Teddy  next,  with  manner  urgent, 
Called  down  many  a  black  Insurgent, 
Many. a  Murdock  hued  like  jet, 
Many  a  dusky  La  Follette 
Who  had  come  with  hope  paretic 
That  they'd  "get  the  sympathetic. " 
"Down! "  cried  Ted;  "Egyptian  Smarty! 
Join  the  Regulation  Party!  " 
At  these  words  there  rose  a  chorus 

Qf_  prolonged  Egyptian  powwows 
As  they  barked  round  Theodorus 

Like  a  pack  of  angry  bowwows. 
And  they'd  surely  got  his  goat 

If  Our  Hero,  still  undaunted, 

Hadn't  packed  his  pelts  and  jaunted 
By  the  early  morning  boat. 

And  the  day  that  he  departed 
Rose  a  chant  of  hope  which  started 
From  the  mystic  fane  of  Isis: 
"Rise,  O  Nile!     We've  passed  the  Crisis. " 


THE   TEDDYSEE  19 


V '.-    Tedysses  Heareth  the  Sirens  and 
Admireth  Their  Voices 

To  Italy,  to  Italy 

Tedysses  took  his  way, 
The  land  of  ease,  the  land  of  fleas, 

Where  Poverty  is  gay; 
The  land  of  bowers  and  carven  towers 

Where  Art's  undying  name 
Both  permeates  and  penetrates — 

And  Garlic  does  the  same 

'Twas  in  the  sea  near  Italy 

That  Ted  received  a  shock. 
"On  yonder  tide,"  the  sailors  cried, 
"There  lies  the  Sirens'  Rock. 
And  if  we  hear  the  Sirens'  song 

Ourselves  we'll  so  forget 
Our  bark  will  snag  upon  a  crag 
And  sink  into  the  wet. ' ' 

So  seven  sacks  of  sealing-wax 

Tedysses  straightway  got, 
And  in  the  ears  of  all  the  crew 

He  poured  it  boiling  hot, 
Then  tight  and  fast  unto  a  mast 

He  bound  him  with  a  thong, 
And,  thus  secure,  he  wooed  the  lure 

Of  that  sweet  Siren  Song. 


20  THE   TEDDYSEE 

On  the  beaches  sat  three  peaches 
Thrice  by  Nature  blessed. 

One  was  labeled  " Solid  East," 
Another  "Solid  West." 

But  of  the  three  the  fairest  she 
Who  sang,  with  rosy  mouth, 

A  bright  refrain  of  Dixie  strain- 
She  was  the  Solid  South. 

Herewith  I  reproduce  those  strains  which 
floated  o'er  the  deck 

Until  our  godlike  hero  almost  broke  his  god- 
like neck: 

Song  of  the  Sirens 

O  you  restless  Teddy,  giving 

Free  advice  to  France  and  Rome, 

Do  you  know  the  Cost  of  Living 
Is  advancing  'way  back  home? 

That  the  Tact  of  Taft  has  never 

Saved  a  rumpus — and  we  guess 

That  the  Finest  Tariff  Ever 
Is  a  mighty  awful  mess? 

Do  you  know  the  Trusts  are  thicker 
And  the  forests  growing  thinner? 

Then  why  linger,  Ted,  and  bicker 

With  a  bunch  of  Kings  at  dinner? 


THE   TEDDYSEE 


Home  again,  O  Teddy! 

Back  to  the  long  love-feast! 
There's  a  great  big  heart  in  the  great  big 
West 

And  another  in  the  little  old  East. 

We  can  ship  you  back  on  a  flowery  track 
Right  up  to  the  White  House  Door— 

If  one  good  Term  deserves  another 

What's  the  matter  with  Another  Term 
More? 

(Our  Hero  paled  and  trembled  as  the  vessel 

onward  skipped. 

Although  his  ears  were  sealed  with  wax,  I 
rather  think  it  slipped. ) 

n 

There  is  a  place  called  Europe — 

You'll  find  it  on  the  map. 
Here  Teddy's  bark  did  moor  up 

To  wake  it  from  its  nap. 
The  Natives,  seeing  Teddy, 

That  Hero's  praises  sung 
In  accents  rough  and  ready, 

Each  in  his  native  tongue. 
The  Dagos  cried  "Robusto!  " 

The  French  exclaimed  "Encore!  " 
The  German  line  raised  stein  on  stein 

With  "Hoch  der  Theodore!  " 


THE    TEDDYSEE 


But  in  the  town  of  Budapest, 

Where  all  the  Magyars  dwell, 
They  simply  shouted:  "Szz  boom  fssst 

Yok  pllst  tish  tush  wat  tell!  " 
'Twas  in  the  States  of  Europe 

That  Teddy  took  his  stand 
And  plainly  spoke  to  all  the  folk 

On  "How  to  Run  Your  Land. " 
'Twas  in  the  childless  Paris 

Where  Theodore  said  he, 
' '  The  art  of  raising  babies 

Is  in  its  infancy. ' ' 
'Twas  he  to  Bill  the  Kaiser 

Who  said,  "Mein  alt  freund  Bill, 
Your  troops  are  green — you  should  have 
seen 

My  charge  up  San  Juan  Hill!  " 
'Twas  he  who  went  to  London 

And  got  the  keys  of  gold 
And  told  the  British  something  skittish 

About  the  way — but  hold! 


Round  the  Hero  thronged  the  Kings 
Like  a  flock  of  eager  muttons, 

Begging  souvenirs  and  things, 

Autographs  and  pins  and  buttons. 

Night  and  day  along  his  wake 

Dogged     the    Sceptered    and    the 
Crowned — 


THE   TEDDYSEE  23 


:•  Faith,  a  King  is  hard  to  shake  i: 

When  he  gets  to  hanging  rdund! 

On  his  shoulderblade  they  wept, 
Told  him  of  their  joys  and  ills, 

Till,  at  last,  when  Europe  slept, 
Ted  escaped  to  Brescia's  hills. 

VII.— He  Meeteth  His  Favorite  Policy , 
Giffbrdius,  and  Hear eth  Shocking 
News  of  Home 

'Twas  in  an  ancient,  peaceful  olive  grove 
Tedysses  walked  alone,  composing  o'er 
Tomorrow's    little    Peace   Talk  for   The 

Hague, 

Entitled,  "Hit  the  Other  Fellow  First!  " 
When,  whistling  to  him  from  the  bough, 

he  heard 

Some  exiled  dryad  from  the  U.  S.'  A. 
And  lion-thewed  Tedysses,  looking  up, 
Beheld,  slow-stalking  in  a  near-by  glade, 
One  of  His  Policies,  tall  and  gaunt  and 

sad, 

The  Forest  Lover  of  the  Tennis  Court. 
And  then,  "My  Gifford!  "  cried   exalted 

Ted. 
4 My  Ted!"  cried  Giff— they  met  in  one 

wild  clinch, 

E'en  as  some  cyclone,  strolling  Kansas  o'er, 
Picks  up  Emporia's  First  Baptist  Church 


THE   TEDDYSEE 


And  shakes  its  belfry  loose.     At  length 

spoke  Ted: 
Hath  Nature  faked  mine  eyes?     What  do 

you,  Gifford, 
Far  from  our  Grand  Old  Party's  peaceful 

perch?" 
Peaceful—  Oh,   Splash!"   Giffordius  cried 

amain. 
My  Ted,  when  thou  wert  on  wild  Afric's 

shore 
Didst  hear  a  distant  Crash?"     "I  heard  a 

Bump," 
Said   Ted.     Whereat  spake  Giff:    "That 

Bump  was  me.  '  ' 

Upon  a  noble  Roman  stone  they  sate 
Lips  close  to  ear,  while  Giff  a  tale  unfolded 
So  wild,  so  weird,  that  full  a  half  a  minute 
Ted  listened  tense,  nor  said  a  single  word— 
This  for  the  first  time  in  his  public  life. 
I  can't  repeat,  OMuse,  what  Gifford  told; 
How  bold  Achilles  round  Tedysses'  hearth 
Rocked  in  the  old  cane  rocker,  quite  at 

home; 

How  fair  and  fat  Penelope,  now  false, 
Was  singing  love  duets  with  Uncle  Joe, 
Feeding  the  wolf  Aldrichas  with  a  spoon 
While  sly  Sereno  worked   her   spinning- 

wheel 
That  wove  the  Tariff. 


THE   TEDDYSEE  25 

These  mad  truths  he  told, 
When,  sudden,  up  Tedysses  rose  in  air, 
Smashed  his  rough-riding  helmet  to  the 

sward 

And  through  Liguria  whooped  this  battle- 
cry: 

"Malefactors! 
Falsifiers! 
All  mendacity; 
No  veracity- 
Bully,  Dee-lighted— Rah-rah!" 
Fair  Gifford  smiled  and  leaned  against  a 

tree. 
His  heart  was  glad  to  hear  this  old-time 

shout, 

For  well  he  knew  he'd  started  Teddy  off, 
And  that,  when  he  had  made  the  Guild 

Hall  speech 
And  called  the  English  down  for  good  and 

plenty, 
He'd  make  a  home  run  for  his  Native 

Land, 

Get    the    Big    Hickory    into    play,    and 
then 


26  THE   TEDDYSEE 


VIII. — Chorus  of  Mermaids  Attending  the 
Teddyboat  Sack  to  America 

Little  boy  Ted, 

Come,  blow  your  horn! 
The  wolf's  in  the  forest, 

The  hog's  in  the  corn. 
The  Regulars  plot 

As  they  gather  in  rings 
A  regular  lot 

Of  irregular  things. 
Hi-diddle-diddle, 
Truth's  on  the  griddle; 

The  Mule's  kicked  over  Nebraska. 
When  Ted's  away 
The  Trusts  will  play, 

And  Gugg's  running  off  with  Alaska. 


BOOK   THE   SECOND 


BOOK   THE   SECOND 

/. — The  Wandering  Tedysses  Maketh 
Fresh  Tracks 

GREAT-SOULED  Tedysses,  going  home, 

The  slow-poke  vessel  now  doth  fret. 
His  heart  outyearns  to  Sagamore, 

To  Wichita  his  teeth  are  set. 
And  while  he  lifts  impatient  word, 

Lo!  where  the  ambient  billows  leap, 
He  sees  a  badly  damaged  Bird 

Fly  limply  to  him  o'er  the  deep. 

At  Teddy's  feet  the  Bird  doth  flop, 
Its  neck  unhinged,  its  beak  ajar; 

Much  sorrow  sticketh  in  its  crop 
And  on  its  tail  no  feathers  are. 

29 


SO  THE   TEDDYSEE 


This  Specimen  with  tender  care 

Tedysses  lifts,  despite  its  grease. 
"I  know  you  not!  "     Whereat  the  Bird 

Exclaims:      "I     am     your    Dove    of 
Peace!" 

1 1 Fond  Dove!  "  cries  Ted  in  bitter  tone, 

"Last  year  I  left  you  on  the  Job, 
With  feathers  white  and  coo  all  right, 
And  fat  like  Philadelphia's  squab. 
Why  is  thy  wing  done  in  a  sling? 

What  have  they  gone  and  done   to 

thee?" 
But  all  the  dying  Bird  can  croak 

Is:  "Taft,  and  Party  Harmonee!  " 

The  shooter  of  a  thousand  zoos 

Into  his  gun  a  wad  doth  poke, 
Harks  to  the  Dove's  expiring  coos, 

Then   careless   Heaven   he   doth    in- 
voke: 
"Since  hunting  is  the  sport  I  love, 

My  gun  for  slaughter  still  I'll  tote. 
Since  some  one's  gone  and  got  my  Dove, 
Now  I'll   go    forth    for    some    one's 
Goat!" 


THE    TEDDYSEE  31 


//. — He  Enter eth  America  by  the  Front 
Door 

Muses,  lend  me  an  earthquake 

To  rattle  the  big  blue  dome, 
Or  a  dynamite  bomb, 
Or  a  fierce  tom-tom, 
Or  a  bugle-call, 
Or  Niagara's  fall- 
Full  justice  to  do 
To  the  hullabaloo 

Which  roared  New  York  and  the  Country 
through 

When  Teddy  came  sailing  home. 
Thunder    and    smoke,    how    the    Patriots 
woke 

From  Kalamazoo  to  Nome! 
Your  Uncle  Sam  fell  off  o'  the  porch 
And  the  Statue  of  Liberty  swallowed  her 
torch 

When  Teddy  came  sailing  home. 

There  was  color,  there  was  noise, 
There  were  Abernathy  boys, 

There  was  many  a  chief  and  scout  and 

lion-trainer; 

Cuban  Vets  with  battered  hilts 
And  Cornelius  Vanderbilts 

And  that  Tammany-Insurgent,  Mayor 
Gaynor. 


32  THE   TEDDYSEE 

Woolly  war-cries  filled  the  air, 
Cowboys  rode  in  Union  Square, 

Fame  stood  on  her  heavenly  perch  and 

yelled  like  Melba; 
Sons  of  Erin,  Sons  of  Titus 
And  the  Order  of  Saint  Vitus 

Skinned  their  throats  to  raise  the  Bat- 
tle-cry of  Elba. 

Through  the  Ready-Money  Town 
They  paraded  up  and  down, 

Teddy  bowing  right  and  left  like  Ju- 
lius Caesar; 

And  the  Nation,  which  had  slumbered 
As  the  empty  months  they  numbered, 

Thrilled  again  to  greet  its  Corporation 
Squeezer. 

When  the  tumult  and  the  spouting 

Died  away  amidst  the  shouting, 
And    the  Captains    and    the  Colonels 

had  departed, 
Sat  a  Grafter  in  his  clover 
Chuckling:  "Gee!  I'm  glad  it's  over!  " 

Echo    answered:     "Over,   man!      He's 
scarcely  started! " 


THE    TEDDYSEE  33 


///,  —False  A  Ibany  Toyeth  •.  with  t  t&'e' 
Character  of  Penelope  -\  •*  «"    i '  * 

When  Sodom's  sins  were  burned  away, 

And  vile  Gomorrah  cooked, 
The  thriving  town  of  Albany 

Was,  somehow,  overlooked. 
'Twas  there,  ere  dew  of  morning  dried, 
Timmus  of  Woodruff  rose  and  cried: 
"Hey,  Willie,  look  to  yonder  plain! 

Methinks  I  hear, 

With  sickening  fear,  ."•-    .•;•..-. 

The  Big  Noise  coming  home  again  I?  </ 

Then  William  Barnes  he  up  did  start — 

Fear  swelled  his  apoplectic  heart 

As  through  the  State  he  raised  the  shout: 

"To  arms,  ye  Olde  Garde!  —tumble  out!  " 
Then  forth  from  mountains,  forests,  val- 
leys, 

Rathskellers,  cisterns,  bowling-alleys, 
The  noble  Stalwarts  flocked  amain— 

' '  Our  jobs !     Our  jobs ! ' '  their  wild  refrain. 

From  Utica,  to  join  the  game, . 
That  little  sunshine,  Sherman,  came. 
Before  the  hosts 

For  war  arrayed, 
With  empty  boasts 
Of  "Who's  afraid?" 


34  THE   TEDDYSEE 


With  godlike  stride  J.  Sherman  goes; 
While,  perching  deftly  on  his  nose, 
His  large  Pickwickian  specs  repose. 

(A  flash  of  spear, 

A  Noise  of  dread, 
Proclaim  the  near 

Approach  of  Ted. ) 
"Let's  hatch  a  plot," 
Says  Tim  to  Jim, 
"  Tis  well— why  not?" 

Says  Jim  to  Tim. 

So  head  to  head  and  heart  to  heart, 
With  ghastly  glance  and  ghostly  start, 
The  Fatal  Papers  they  procure 
And  sign  the  Fatal  Signature. 

When,  lo!  upon  that  guilty  scene 
A  Comet,  run  by  gasoline, 

With  sportive  snort 

And  short  cavort, 
Arrives  and  casts  a  gibbous  green 
On  the  grim  glim  of  Tim  and  Jim— 
Horrors ! ' '  they  babble.     * '  It  is  Him ! ' ' 

Tedysses,  like  a  square-faced  ghost, 
Thus  spake  to  the  assembled  host: 
'Fair  gentlemen,  it  is  my  fate 
Full  many  million  Things  to  hate. 
The  liar  plain 
I  do  despise; 


THE   TEDDYSEE  35 

"At  grafters  vain 

My  gorge  doth  rise; 
I  hate  the  cats 

About  New  York 
Who  live  in  flats 

And  dodge  the  Stork. 
The  man  of  news 

Who  rakes  the  muck 
Well  knows  my  views 

Upon  his  Truck; 
The  greedy  Trust 

With  scorn  I  clothe; 
The  Judge  unjust 

I  likewise  loathe. 

But  of  the  Things  I  cannot  brook 
The  most,  by  George,  I  hate  a  crook!  " 

But  Barnes,  in  suaver  manner  cloaked, 
Swallowed  his  rage — and  almost  choked. 
"O  Ted! "  quoth  he,  "thou  speakest  flip. 

My  kindness  see! 

I  offer  thee 

The  Temporary  Chairmanship- 
Say,  wouldst  thou  take  it  if  thou  couldst? ' ' 
Fair  spake  Tedysses:  "Sure,  I  wouldst!  " 

(These  politicians  beat  the  Dickens- 
Please  notice  how  the  plot  now  thickens. ) 
Just  as  Tedysses  took  his  stand 
The  loyal  Olde  Garde  to  command, 


36  THE   TEDDYSEE 

An  A.  D.  T.  boy,  undersized — 
T.  Woodruff  for  the  part  disguised— 
Into  Bill  Barnes  his  crafty  mitt 
A  message  prest — and  this  was  it: 
''From  us  pray  take  our  Royal  Tip —  . 
For  Temporary  Chairmanship 
The  sunny  Sherman  I  indorse, 
The  Grand  Old  Party  ys  noble  horse, 
The  friend  of  Man,  the  foe  of  Graft, 
Thine  for  harmonious  action, 

Toft." 

As  when  the  birdman  Brookins  flies 

Ten  thousand  feet  into  the  skies, 

And  there  doth  drop  an  orange  sweet 

Upon  some  Aviation  Meet, 

So  did  the  soul  of  Ted  downfall 

To  read  that  message  fraught  with  gall 

His  dear-loved  Consort  writing  notes 

And  lending  comfort  to  the  Goats! 

His  flashing  eye 

Doth  slightly  blear; 

A  tearful  sigh, 

A  sighful  tear 

Drops  on  his  native  sward — and  then 
He  grasps  his  mighty  fountain  pen: 
"Penelope,  since  I  have  went, 
Why  didst  thou  choose  another  gent  ? 
And  why,  oh  why,  that  heartless  whim 
To  knock  of  me  and  block  for  Jim  ?  " 


THE   TEDDYSEE  37 

Then,  answering  to 

Those  words  of  ire, 
This  message  flew 
Across  the  wire: 

4  *  Your  fears  allay,  beloved  Ted  ! 
You  say  they  say  the  things  I  said  : 
Which  said  remarks  I  didn't  say. 
Say  what  I  say .     I'm  thine  alway . ' 

Then  o'er  the  ranks  of  Albany  there  fell 

a  sickly,  solemn  hush- 
Such  as  when  some  big  bumbling  bee  falls 

footless  in  a  bowl  of  mush. 
"War  to  the  knife!  "  Tim  Woodruff  hissed. 
"Aye!  "  thundered  Ted,  "and  to  the 

teeth!" 
His  good  right  hand  he  crooked  and  drew 

his  Liar  Killer  from  its  sheath; 
But,  even  as  he  paused  to  strike,  a  wireless 

wave  him  thus  addressed: 
"Drop  the  Small  Game  and  come  to  help 
the  Woolly  but  Progressive  West. " 

His  Killer  in  his  belt  he  stuck, 

And    this    impromptu    speech  spake 

he: 

"Fate  cannot  change  the  Teddyluck— 
Prepare  a  future  jolt  to  buck, 

Bill  Barnes — anon    you'll  hear  from 
me!" 


38  THE   TEDDYSEE 


IV.  —  Tedysses  Swingeth  the  Square  Deal 
in  the  Big  Circle 

''East  is  East  and  West  is  West,  and  never 

the  two  shall  meet," 
As  Rudyard  K.  exclaimed  in  a  way,  which 

is  putting  it  rather  neat; 
Now  the  Voice  of  the  East  has  a  nasal 

twang,    but   the  West,    when   her 

Voice  she  blows, 
She  lets  out  a  yell  like  the  Pipes  o'  Hell 

—and  the  fellow  she  calls  for  goes. 

So  into  the  West  went  Teddy 

On  the  swiftest  he  could  procure, 
For  a  Conservational, 
Conversational, 

Radical  lecture  tour, 
On  matters  of  urgency 
Boosting  Insurgency, 

Patting  the  Elba  Clubs, 
Praising  the  fighters, 
Alarming  State-Righters 

And  chumming  with  Governor  Stubbs. 

With  a  phonograph 
And  the  Outlook  staff, 

And  Dolliver  vocally  sweet, 
And  Garf  and  Giff 
All  ready  to  biff 

Achilles  from  off  his  seat, 


THE   TEDDYSEE  89 

Each  hour  of  the  day 
With  something  to  say 

And  something  to  drink  and  eat— 
A  galaxy  gallant 
Of  popular  talent 

Which  Four  of  a  Kind  can't  beat! 

Among  the  tall  burdocks 
With  Bristows  and  Murdocks 

He  hunted  the  Trust  to  its  lair; 
A  fist  broad  and  brawny 
He  shook  after  Tawney, 

And  shouted:     "Come    out,  if    you 

dare!" 

To  crossroads  and  sidings 
He  brought  the  good  tidings 

Of  "Boost  my  New  Policies  strong!  " 
He  praised  little  mothers 
And  slammed  the  weak  brothers 

Who     didn't     know     Virtue     from 
Wrong. 

At  every  station 
There  stood  an  Ovation, 

With  banzais  so  lusty  and  salvos  so 

swinging 

That  the  welkin,  in  fact, 
Got  outrageously  cracked 

After    several    weeks  of   continuous 
ringing. 


THE   TEDDYSEE 


Shall  I  mention  Cheyenne,  with  its  busy 

corrals, 
Where  the  cattlemen  told  him,  "You 

'feet'  we  are  sta'nch!  " 
How  he  talked  upon  "Waterways,  fleets 

and  canals" 

To  the  dry-farming  boys  of  the  Al- 
kali Ranch? 
Shall  I  tell  how  he  burst  upon  Denver's 

plateau 

To  the  Third  Term  Enthusiast's  usu- 
al cheer? 
How  he  stood  on   the   platform,    looked 

round  and  said,  "No— 
I  won't  speak  a  word  till  Ben  Lind- 
sey  is  here! " 


THE   TEDDYSEE 


41 


How  he  slammed  the  Supreme  Court's 
supremer  banalities, 

Cross-eyed  decisions  and  "high  technical- 
ities"? 

Then  on  to  the  land  of  Insurgent  Bonanzas- 
Muse,  tie  your  hat  on;  we're  going  to  Kansas: 
Wichita,  Ottawa,  Lebo,  Eureka, 
Delphos,  Eudora,  Chetopa,  Topeka; 
Then  on  where  the   sunflower   flaunts   its 

bravery— 
Osawatomie,   still  the  staunch   foeman   of 

slavery, 
Where  the  soul  of  great  John, 

Whose  last  name  was  Brown, 
Goes  marching  right  on 

Through  the  cute  little  town. 


42  THE   TEDDYSEE 


Here  the  Teddy  Train  stopped  with  a  toot 

that  was  rollicking; 

Whole  population  of  Kansas  came  frolick- 
ing: 

Mothers  and  fathers  and  grizzled  old  Vets 
Thronged  from  the  farms 
As  they  bore  in  their  arms 
The  hardiest  crop  that  young  Kansas  be- 

gets- 

Infantile  Bristows  and  wee  La  Follettes. 
'Tonight  is  the  night!  " 

Said  Governor  Stubbs 
To  Will  Allen  White, 

Who  was  up  to  the  hubs 
In  a  trance  of  delight 
As  forth  in  his  might 
Strode  the  Soul  of  Progressive  Republican 

Clubs. 

Oh,  how  can  I  focus  my  mind's  feeble  prism 
On  that  wonderful  speech  on  New  Nation- 
alism, 

Where  a  Platform  was  built, 
Some  Trust-blood  was  spilt 
And  Wrong  got  the  javelin  up  to  the  hilt? 

Next  he  praised  Kansas  City's  Missourian 

forces, 
Then  stopped   at  Sioux  Falls,  where,  in 

thrilling  discourses, 
He  spoke  on  "Notorious  Party  Divorces. " 


THE    TEDDYSEE  43 


Then  a  stop-off  at  Fargo 
To  let  on  a  cargo 

Of  deputy  sheriffs  and  cowpunching  boys 
Who  were  eager  with  praise 
Of  "them  hell-splittin'  days 
On  the  Little  Missouri — wow !    Let's  make 

a  noise! " 

Next  he  dropped  at  St.  Paul 
On  the  Governors  all 
And  handed  State-Rights  a  most  serious 

"call"; 

Then  an  afternoon  talky 
He  spent  at  Milwaukee, 
Where  he  gave  Mayor  Seidel  a  gall-coated 

pill. 

Then  on  to  Chicago  flew  Ted  with  a  will, 
Where  the  Hamilton  Club  sat  prepared 

for  a  thrill, 

As,  with  hard,  vacant  stare 
Stood  a  hard  Vacant  Chair 
Marked  "Lorimer"  —  faith,  it  is  standing 
there  still 

So  thus  and  etcetera  Theodore  pressed 

A  Garland  of  Speeches  three  thousand 

miles  long 
Like  a  barb-wire  fence  round  the  heart  of 

the  West, 

Till  the  West  yelled  "I'm  yourn!" 
and  took  after  him  strong. 


44  THE   TEDDYSEE 

But  Marse  Henry  Watterson  spoke  from 

his  heart: 

"The  Slayer  of  Lions  is  now  being  lionized; 
And  the  Colonel,  of  course,  will  continue 

his  part 

Till  the  dear  old  Republican  Party 
is  Bryanized." 

V. — Our  Muse  Taketh  the  Express  Ele- 
vator to  Olympus 

Muse,  here's  our  elevator  waiting.     "Go- 
ing up! " 
Up  to  Olympus,   where,    with  twitching 

beard, 

Great  Jove  sits  at  his  desk  and,  with  a  pin, 
Traces  across  the  map  of  U.  S.  A. 
The  latest  zigzag  of  the  Teddy  Tour. 
Around  him  sit  the  Council  of  the  Gods, 
Each  looking  anxious  as  the  scratching  pin 
Passes  from  Kansas  eastward  to  New  York. 

"O  tell  me,  Uncle  Jupe, ' '  fair  Venus  speaks, 
Brushing  the  star-dust  from  her  perfect 

nose, 
"What  ticket  will  you  give  your  Favorite 

now? 

What  will  Tedysses  be  a-doing  next?" 
Nine  thunder-sneezes  sneezed  the  Cloud- 
compeller; 


THE   TEDDYSEE  45 

Then  thus  to  Venus:  " Pretty  pinky  one, 
I'm  merely  hired  to  boss  the  Universe- 
Then  how  can  I  control  this  Teddy,  pray? 
For  there  are  things  of  which  the  gods 

themselves 
Can    simply   speak   the   Delphic   phrase, 

*  Search  me! ' 
But,  since  you  ask  me  what's  my  guess, 

I'll  say 

Tedysses  may,  within  a  week  or  so, 
Fly  angry  to  his  ruined  Party  Home, 
Where  his  Penelope  of  Taftlike  face 
Doth  entertain  his  enemies  at  lunch. ' ' 

"O  bully!  "  Venus  cried;  "then  I  foretell 
There'll  be  the  loudest  crash,  the  maddest 

yell 

Since  Vulcan  through  the  heavenly  sky- 
light fell." 


BOOK    THE    THIRD 


BOOK  THE  THIRD 

/. — Tedysses  Taketh  a  Club  Unto  the  Sin- 
ful Suitors  of  Penelope 

TIRED  with   his   starry   touring   through 

the  West, 

A  thousand  towns,  a  million  epigrams, 
Tedysses  paused — a  thing  he  seldom  did— 
And  fell  asleep  within  his  special  car. 
Whereat  Minerva,  Harvard's  sacred  god- 
dess, 

Upon  her  ambient  aero  gliding  down, 
Lifted  Tedysses  sleeping  from  his  bunk 
And  bore  him  to  arboreal  Washington. 
Softly  she  laid  him  on  the  White  House 

lawn 

And  with  an  angel-feather  scratched  his 
nose. 

49 


50  THE   TEDDYSEE 

Our  Hero  sneezed.  "Alas,  where  am  I 
at?" 

A  question  seldom  asked  by  Theodore. 

He  rubbed  his  glasses;  then,  quick  glanc- 
ing round, 

Beheld  his  dear  Administration  Home; 

The    very    same  —  and    yet    how    sadly 

changed! 

"Oh,   what  hath  happened  to  my  Tennis 
Court, 

That  sacred  plat  where  erstwhile  Garf  and 

Giff 

Bounced  the  swift  ball  belike  a  Rubber 
Trust? 

Weeds  now  infringe  the  spot — it  seemeth 
me 

The  Old  White  Homestead  hath  a  differ- 
ent air 

From  what  it  had  before  I  left  the  place 

In  charge  of  fair  and  fat  Penelope. ' ' 


THE   TEDDYSEE  51 

Thus  Teddy  spake,  when  sudden  through 

the  trees 

A  dusty,  damaged,  dopey  Dog  appeared, 
Whined  whimpering  at  Teddy's  feet,  and 

there 

Licking  his  hand  fell  in  a  hunger-faint. 
Tenderly  leaning,  Ted  with  terror  saw 
The  truth— it  was  his  dog  "My  Policies"! 
'Horrors,  poor   hound!"    he   moaned;    "I 

left  you  fat, 

Gnawing  rich  steaks  from  juicy  Corpora- 
tions— 
See  how  your  ribs  stick  out — your  listless 

tail 
Betrays  the  fact   that   you   have  fed  on 

scraps, 

And  few  of  these,  for  many,  many  moons. 
Poor  mutt!     While  you  lie  gasping  in  the 

ditch 
Tray,    Blanche   and    Sweetheart,    decked 

with  ribbons  blue, 

Bark  saucily  from  out  the  Royal  Coach. 
By  George,  I'll  fix  'em!  "    Speaking  thus, 

Tedysses 
Reached  for  his  magic  blade. 

When  from  the  sky 
Divine  Minerva,  goddess  Suffragette, 
Swooped  swiftly  down  and  thus  to  Theo- 
dore: 


THE   TEDDYSEE 


Sheathe  the  sharp  sword,  O  Strong  One! 

Only  wait 
Until  the  proper  time,  and  I  shall  grant 

thee 


A  chance  to  smite  thy  foes  in  yonder  Palace 
Such  an  Homeric  swat  as  Honus  Wagner 
Swings  on  some  gosling  from  the  Minor 
League." 


THE   TEDDYSEE  53 


So  saying,  the  goddess,  by  a  magic  word, 

Changed  Teddy  from  his  vast  and  warlike 
bulk 

To  the  more  humble  shape  of  Richard 
Glavis. 

Seattle  clothes  she  put  upon  his  back 

And  in  his  hand  a  satchel  labeled  "Evi- 
dence. ' ' 

Thus  strangely  changed  she  led  him  gently 
forth 

And  set  him  knocking  at  the  White  House 
door 

Just  when  Josephus  Cannon  and  The  Rest, 

Clad  in  rich  robes  and  bearing  sweet  bou- 
quets, 

Were  dropping  in,  as  usual,  for  lunch. 

//.  —  The  Crafty  Tedysses  Obtaineth  Admit- 
tance to  the  Old  Homestead 

There  came  a  bump  on  the  White  House 
steps 

And  a  knock  at  the  White  House  door. 
Achilles  blank  and  Hitchcock  frank, 
They  gasped  like  trout  in  a  brackish  tank. 

"Who's  there?"  they  cried,  full  sore. 
Then  Achilles  opened  a  weeny  crack 

And  peeked  with  a  look  surprised, 
For  out  in  the  storm  stood  a  Glavis  form — 

Which  same  was  Our  Ted  disguised. 


54  THE   TEDDYSEE 

"O  poisonous  snake  of  Insurgent  make!  " 

Godlike  Achilles  hissed; 
"Why  come  you  here  with  suspectful  leer 
And  a  fatuous  Conservation  sneer 
And  a  tainted  Alaska  list?" 
"I  have  evidence  plain,"  quoth  the  Glavis 

swain, 
' '  Which   will    rattle   your   slats   some 

more; 

For  it  tells  of  loot.  "—Here  he  stuck  his  boot 
In  the  crack  of  the  White  House  door. 

' '  Oh,  Evidence  plain  ye  may  bring  in  vain— 

Avaunt,  vile  viper,  a  vaunt!" 
Achilles  cried  as  he  rubbed  his  heels. 
"We've  muckraking  spiels  on  Land  Office 

deals 

Far  more  than  we'll  ever  want." 
But  Hitchcock  fair  cried:  "What  do  we 

care? 

Such  clowns  but  amuse  the  Bunch— 
For  this  Glavis  bloke  is  a  Popular  Joke; 
Let's  haul  him  along  to  lunch!  " 

Then  into  the  empty  Cabinet  Room 
Led  they  the  glaviform  Ted. 

Then  they  put  bright  bells  on  his  toes  of 
pride; 

Then  gave  him  a  bauble— and  next  they  tied 
A  fool's  cap  over  his  head. 


THE   TEDDYSEE  55 

So    they    laughed   "Ha-ha!"    and    they 

shrieked  "Huzzah! 
Surey  the  look  on  his  mug5  is  rum!  " — 
Changed  were  their  tune  had  thejr  known 

how  soon 
The  End  of  the  Laugh  would  come. 

///.  —  Tedysses  Smiteth  the  Lyre,  yet  Hold- 

eth  His  Rage 

Within  the  royal  dining-hall 
The  Suitor  Horde  sat  lunching  all. 
Such  stacks  of  fattening  food  to  eat! 
Such  Taftlike  joints  of  roasted  meat! 
Such  bumpers  passed  'twixt  college  chums! 
Such  'possums  stuffed  with  Party  Plums! 
Upon  a  dais  of  solid  make 

Reclined  Penelope  devout, 
Eating  as  though   her   heart  would 

break — 

A  goddess,  though  a  trifle  stout. 
Tedysses  from  his  humble  place 
Gazed  on  that  well-remembered  face. 
"They  say,"  said  he,  <f Penelope 

Mourns  my  long  absence  day  and 

night. 
And  yet,  so  far  as  I  can  see, 

Grief  has  not  lessened  Appetite. " 
On  either  side  the  royal  plate, 
As  if  to  share  the  royal  state, 
Cannonos  and  Aldrichas  sate. 


56  THE   TEDDYSEE 

They  seemed  to  be 
In  rivalree 

To  win  the  fair  Penelope, 
Josephus,  with  his  black  cigar 
Tiptilted  to  the  morning  star, 
Spake  thus:  "Fair  Taft,  if  in  the  tie 

Of  Party  Wedlock  we  should  mate, 
Oh,  think  how  smoothly  you  and  I 

Could   run   the   gol-dinged    Ship   o' 

State!  "- 

Tedysses  heard  and  broke  a  plate 
In  silent,  concentrated  hate— 
Aldrichas  spake:  "Fair  Taft,  if  I 

Could  share  thy  throne  my  whole  life 

long, 
The  special  Interests,  weak  and  shy, 

We'd  nurse  till  they  were  straight  and 

strong!  " 

Tedysses,  chewing  silent  glue, 
Snarled :    *  *  Rubber    trustling !  — meaning 
you." 

The  nectar  gurgled  round  on  round 
To  wild  Reaction's  tuneful  sound, 
While  Hale,  of  Democratic  Maine, 
A  jest  or  two  could  not  refrain 
On  absent  Teddy's  teeth  and  voice; 
And  Caesar  Burrows,  once  the  choice 
Of  Michigan,  until  that  state 
Stabbed  Caesar  in  his  consulate — 


THE   TEDDYSEE  57 

C.  Burrows  made  some  cutting  crack 
Anent    "Ex-champs,    who     can't     come 

back!" 

Tedysses  heard.     His  smile  was  black. 
Then  Woodruff,  whom  the  gods  call  Tim, 
And  he  whom  men  call  "Sunny  Jim," 
Indulged  in  sentimental  chat 

On  Saratoga's  splendid  prime, 
When  Tweed  passed  down  the  robe  to  Platt 

And  votes  meant  money  all  the  time. 
Quoth  Wickersham:  "I  pledge  a  toast 

Unto  the  classic  G.  O.  P., 
Which,  like  some  mighty  Hitching  Post, 

Moves  not,  yet  holds  its  dignity. ' ' 
The  toast  was  drunk  with  piercing  yell 
By  Tawney,  Penrose  and  Dalzell; 
At  which  a  frenzy  of  affright 

O'ercame  the  fair  Penelope— 
''If  Ted  should  happen  home  tonight 

My,  what  a  clearing  out  there 'd  be!  " 

Tedysses,  in  his  Glavis  shape, 

Rose  and  o'erlooked  the  ribald  fun 
As  one  who  craves  a  shooting  scrape, 

Yet  lacks  the  necessary  gun. 
The  crowd  beheld  him  with  a  screech 

Of  "Get  the  hook!"  and  "Get  the 

prong! " 

Some  scoffers  shouted,  "Dick,  a  speech!  " 
Yet  others,  "Say  it  in  a  song!  " 


58  THE   TEDDYSEE 

Our  Hero  cleared  his  golden  throat, 

His  speechful  throat  to  song  unused, 

Then,  as  of  yore,  the  Lyre  he  smote 
And  tuned  this  melody  enthused: 

Conservation  Versus  Devastation 

"A  tree  stood  alone 

On  a  high,  high  hill. 
If  they'd  let  it  alone 

It  would  be  there  still. 
But  the  tree  was  shipped 

To  the  old  sawmill. 
Where  its  heart  was  ripped 

With  a  sawyer's  skill. 
And  now  on  the  place 

Where  the  chipmunks  jump 
There's  a  Land  Fraud  Case 

And  a  blackened  stump. ' ' 

Chorus 

"It's  too  late  to  lock  the  stable  when  the 

mare's  skipped  spry; 
If  you  throw  away  the  apples,  then  you 

can't  have  pie; 
But  the  wisest  affirmation 
In  the  Law  of  Conservation 
Is:  You  cannot  draw  the  water  when  the 
well  runs  dry. ' ' 


THE   TEDDYSEE  59 

"In  the  primal  soil 

Lay  a  ton  of  coal, 
Prize  for  the  toil 

Of  some  needy  soul. 
But  it  fell  in  the  snitch 

Of  a  greedy  Trust 
Which  was  in  with  the  Rich 

And  out  for  the  dust. 
Oh,  that  Trust  was  deep 

As  the  midnight's  dye. 
It  could  buy  things  cheap, 

It  could  sell  'em  high: 
Now  that  coal  doth  smoke 

Over  Pittsburgh  sere, 
Where  it  adds  to  the  choke 

Of  the  atmosphere. ' ' 

Chorus 

When  the  kerosene  has  vanished,  then  the 

well  won't  spout; 
It's  too  late  to  talk  of  dancing  when  you've 

grown  too  stout— 
But  the  brightest  aphorism 
Of  the  Brand-new  Nationalism 
Is:  You  cannot  fill  the  scuttle  when  the 
coal  runs  out. ' ' 

Achilles  rose  with  frenzied  nerve, 

Fear   quavering    through   his   pallid 
brain: 


60  THE   TEDDYSEE 

"This  clownish  Glavis  chaunts  a  dirge — 

Can't  some  one  pipe  a  livelier  strain? ' ' 
Sereno  Payne,  devoted  man, 

Worked  in  the  background  wild  with 

zeal, 
Weaving  a  Tariff  as  he  ran 

Penelope's  own  spinning-wheel. 
"Oh,  list!  "  he  cried,  "friends  of  mine  own, 
This  tripping  threnode  I'll  intone: 

High  Tariff  Spinning- Song 

"If  Uplift  is  good — and  they  say  that  it  is— 

It's  bully  in  any  direction; 
It's  fine  in  Religion,  it's  better  in  Biz, 
But  in  Tariff  it's  simply  perfection. 
So  we'll  hike  up  the  schedules  on  stockings 

and  breeks, 

On  rice,  cotton,  flour — can  you  beat  'em  ? 
But  we'll   let  down  the  bars  on  Italian 

Antiques, 
Because  folks  can't   wear    'em  or  eat 


'em.' 


Cfionu 

Spin  'er  out  fine 
All  down  the  line; 

Boost  all  the  prices  a  wee  little  shade. 
So  we'll  sit  our  high  horse 
And  serenely  indorse 

The  Corkingest  Tariff  that  Ever  was 
Made." 


THE   TEDDYSEE  61 


If  kindness  is  good — and  they  say  it  is  sich — 
Then  the  poor  should  not  lack  our 

protection; 
But  it's  kindlier  still  to  be  kind  to  the  Rich 

Who  reciprocate  love  and  affection. 
So  we'll  aid  the  directors  of  Bethlehem 

Steel 

And  the  billionaire  barons  of  rubber, 
Till  the  campaign   bonanzas  resound   to 

our  zeal 

And  the  Pork  Barrels  blossom  with 
blubber." 

Chorus 

Let  us  be  just 
To  the  Shoemaking  Trust- 
Wee  Infant  Industry  needing  our  aid; 
And  our  Party  we  thank 
As  we  stand  on  the  plank 

Of  the  Helpfulest  Tariff   that  Ever 
was  Made." 

IF.  —  Tedysses  Turneth  Loose 

The  luncheon  now  was  drawing  to  a  close, 
And,  dallying  dankly  with  the  fingerbowl, 
The  wolf  Aldrichas  rose  and  thus  addressed 

Penelope: 

"Great  Queen,  alas,  too  long 
You've  kept  your  suitors  on  the  anxious 
seat! 


THE   TEDDYSEE 


Teddy,  you  see,  is  coming  back  no  more: 
So,  say,  for  good  and  all,  which  one  of  us 
You  choose  to  fill  the  strenuous  place  be- 
side thee. ' ' 

A  shy,  sly  twink  shot  from  the  mystic  orb 
Of  smooth  Penelope  as  thus  she  spake: 
Sweet  suitors,  as  I  love  ye  equally, 
I'll  choose  to  fill  Tedysses'  vacant  throne 
The  one  among  your  train  who  this  can  do: 
Up  in  the  garret  lies  a  Weapon  stout, 
Covered   with   cobwebs,    deep   in    mothy 

dust— 

'Twas  called  'the  Big  Stick'  when  by  Ted 
'twas  swung. ' ' 


THE   TEDDYSEE 


A  deathsome   shudder   thrills   along   the 

line— 

"Now  him  among  ye  who  can  swing  this 
bludgeon 

Thrice   round    his    head   and   say   'Dee- 
lighted!  '  thrice, 

To  him  the  chair  of  Teddy  I  surrender. ' ' 

Then  upward  seven  colored  porters  ran 
And,  groaning  gruffly  like  piano-movers, 
The  big,    black,    brutal    bludgeon   down 

they  bore, 

The  wolf  Aldrichas  was  the  first  to  try. 
Baring  his  elbows,  spitting  on  his  hands, 


64  THE   TEDDYSEE 

With   biceps   bent   and   shoulders   firmly 

squared, 

He  seized  the  weapon  by  its  handle-end 
And  tugged  as  might  some  little,  busy  ant, 
Trying  to  drag  an  auto  up  a  hill. 
Next  old  Josephus  of  Cannonic  fame 
Strained  at   the  Stick  and  raised   it   far 

enough 

To  drop  it  on  his  homespun  Danville  sock. 
Achilles  tried  in  vain,  then  sunstruck  Jim, 
Then  twenty  stern,  standpattish  Senators. 
' '  What ! ' '  cried  Penelope.  * '  Can  no  one  lift 
The  Stick  which  once  my  Ted  with  one 

hand  swung 
While  writing  notes  to  Congress  with  the 

other?" 

Then  did  Tedysses,  still  in  Glavis  form, 
Step  forth.     "O  Queen,   a  timid  boon  I 

crave: 

Though  I  may  not  be  likeAldrichas  strong, 
Or  like  Josephus  wiry,  grant  me  leave 
To  try  my  puny  wrists  upon  the  Stick. ' ' 
With  comic  jeers  the  boon  he  asked  was 

granted. 
And  then 

Ye  Furies!      How  shall 
I  describe 

The  marvel  that  immejut  did  befall? 
For,  the  thin  mask  of  Glavis  shaking  off, 
Tedysses  reared  his  well-remembered  bulk, 


THE   TEDDYSEE  65 

His  knobby,  knotty,  super-bulldog  shape. 
Within  his  gumptious  grasp  the  Stick  he 

clutched; 

One  tug,  the  mighty  timber  reared  in  air— 
Then    through   that    charnel   hall   there 

shrilled  the  shriek 
Of   "Ouch!"    and   "Spare   us,    Ted— we 

didn't  do  it!" 
Wretches!     Why  plead  where  pity  there  is 

none? 

Josephus  and  Aldrichas  fell  together, 
Squashed  on  the  floor  in  one  conglomerate 

blob. 
Skulls  popped  amain  and  on  the  marble 

walls 

Pattered  the  splatter  of  standpattish  gore. 
Did   one   escape?      Nay!      On   the   lawn 

without 
Gathered    the    stout    Progressives,    fully 

armed, 
Bristow  and  Murdock,  Cummins,  La  Fol- 

lette, 
Holding  their  choppers  right  across  the 

doors. 
So,  when  the  screeching  fugitives  poured 

out, 

Bang  went  another  deader  on  the  sward! 
So,  all  that  wild  avenging  afternoon, 
"Thud!     Thud!"   the   Stick   descended. 

Heaven,   assisting, 


66  THE   TEDDYSEE 


Poured  deadly  lightning  from  the  black- 
ening sky. 

The  screams  grew  less.  At  length  the 
Hall  was  still. 

Upon  the  scene  Penelope  did  flit, 
Observed  her  Lord,  then  had  a  fainting  fit. 
At  last  she  raised  her  head, 
Smiled  affably  and  said: 
"Good  gracious  me,  you  haven't  changed 
a  bit!" 


BOOK  THE  FOURTH 


BOOK  THE  FOURTH 

/. — Tedysses  Taketh  a  Pullman  for  Hades 
and  Return 

IN  myrrh  and  asphodel  and  drowsy  lotus 

Tedysses  sleeping  lay, 
The  Big  Stick  loosely  wrapped,  till  further 
notice, 

In  lavender  and  bay. 

Again  in  dreams  he  heard  the  shrieks  and 

bellows 

Responding  to  the  blow 
When  with   the    scourge    he  smote  the 

Crooked  Fellows 
And  brought  the  Olde  Garde  low. 


70  THE   TEDDYSEE 

While  thus  he  dreamt,  from  out  the  am- 
bient ether 

Jove  sent  this  wireless  fleet: 
"  Waste  not  thine  hour  in  dreams,  O  Heavy 

Breather! 
More  toil  awaits  thy  feet. 

"Awake!  descend  at  once  to  gloomy  Hades 

And  interview  with  care 
The  Ananiac  band  of  spooks  and  shadies 
Whom  thou  hast  driven  there. 

' '  Speak  to  them  kindly  whom  in  life  thou 

chided, 

And  when  the  jaunt  is  o'er 
Come  back  to  Earth  and  manage  undivided 
Thy  throne  f orevermore. ' ' 

"Orders  O.  K,"  T.  R.  to  Heaven  cabled; 

Then  hastened  to  affix 
Upon  his  trunks  a  baggage-ticket  labeled, 
"To  Hades,  via  Styx." 

II.— He  Slideth  the  Chute  to  the  Infernal 

Basement 
' '  Halt !     Wrho  goes  there  ? ' '     From  out  the 

craggy  black 

Of  midnight  Erebus  a  Voice  outrasped, 
Harsh  as  a  handsaw  grating  on  a  nail. 
Tedysses,  who  with  jungle-seasoned  feet 
Had  strode  into  the  very  jaws  of  Hell, 


THE   TEDDYSEE  71 

Now  halted.     "Who  art  thou,  dotir  sene- 
schal, 
That  biddest  the  Moving  Van  of  Progress 

stop? 
No  Man  or  Thing  hath  ever  stayed  my 

course. 
What  jest  is  this?"    "O  Tumbo,"  spake 

the  Voice, 
"I    have   stopped    kings   and   queens   and 

actresses, 

The  ruddy  gold  of  Ormus  or  of  Ind- 
iana naught  avails  when  I  cry  'Halt! ' 
I  am  the   Heart  of   Stone,  the  Voice  of 

Brass. 

All  hope  abandon  ye  who  enter  here. " 
Ted  struck  a  match  and  gasped  when  he 

beheld 

At  Hades'  gate  the  form  of  William  Loeb, 
Three-headed,  terrible,  collecting  tithes 
As  tariff  from  the  living  and  the  dead. 

"Surely    you    know   me,    Bill,"    Tedysses 

spake. 
"That's  what  they  all  say,"  growled  the 

icy  Loeb. 

"Cough  up  the  keys,  now,  for  I  see  ye  bear 
A  suitcase  filled  with  dutiable  goods. ' ' 
He  who  had  made  the  Afric  lion  faint 
And  sassed  the  British  lion  to  his  teeth, 
Now  meekly  oped  his  suitcase  and  declared 


72  THE   TEDDYSEE 

The  following  items: 

Seven  fountain  pens, 

A    photograph  marked  "Bill,  R.  L, 

to  Ted," 

The  Keys  of  London, 
Wagner's  Simple  Life, 
A  safety  razor, 
Works  of  Marc  Aurelius, 
A  gun, 

A  pair  of  boots, 
The  Pilgrim's  Progress, 
A  pack  of  faded  letters  postmarked 

"Rome." 

Loeb  cast  upon  the  pile  his  duteous  eyes, 
Tagged  the  lot  *  *  Confiscated, ' '  rang  the 

bell 
And  summoned  Pluto.    " Here's  a  gent," 

he  said, 
"Who's  bent  on  raising  Hades — show  him 

round." 

///. — He  Chatteth  with  the  Crushed 
Spirits  of  His  Foes 

The  dark-browed  Pluto,  Hades'  king, 

Removed  his  crown  to  Teddy's  state: 
"Dear  sir,  thou  art  the  livest  thing 

That  ever  passed  this  sable  gate. 

Now,  tell  me  plain:  Of  my  Domain 

What  part  wouldst  thou  accelerate?" 


THE   TEDDYSEE  73 


Fair  spake  Our  Ted:  "I  would  prefer 
To  see  the  victims,  if  you  please, 

Wrho  fell  before  my  Walloper. " 

Glum  Pluto  smiled  with  deathly  ease. 

"We  have  a  whole  Department,  sir, 
Devoted  to  the  souls  of  these. ' ' 

All  in  a  Stygian  motor-boat 

They  launched  them  on  the  troubled 

tide. 

Grim  Charon  piped:  "We  scarce  can  float, 

The  sea 's  so  rough. ' '    But  Teddy  cried : 

"Fear    not,     Old    Geezer --thou    bearest 

Csesar!" 
So  crossed  they  to  the  other  side. 

They  first  beheld  a  spout  of  fire 
Hard  by  a  fogged  infernal  fen, 

Whence  came  loud  shouts  of  "Who's  a 

liar?" 
Wild  issuing  from  some  dismal  den. 

And  as  the  Voice  rose  high  and  higher 
Tedysses  whispered,  "It  is  Ben!  " 

In  a  crude  cave  Ben  Tillman  stood 
Eating  hot  coals  and  spitting  flames 

As  though  the  banquet  tasted  good 

And  burning  brands  were  parlor  games. 
"Hullo!  "  he  said,  observing  Ted; 

"You  can't  beat  me  at  calling  names!  " 


74  THE   TEDDYSEE 

"O  Pitchfork  Ben,"  Tedysses  cried, 

"No  scorching  names  I  bring  to  you; 
But  this  advice  I  bear  to  guide 

Your  farther  passage  Hades  through: 
Be  suave  to  your  Superior 

And  do  not  speak  till  spoken  to. ' ' 

Then  from  that  pit  of  deathless  hate 

Burst  a  blue  blaze  of  sulphured  cuss: 
"Thou  egocentric  puffed  Ingrate, 

Hades  ain't  big  enough  for  us! " 

Pluto,  dismayed,  said:  "Come,  let's  fade 
Before  he  starts  another  fuss. ' ' 

Hard  by  upon  a  Tarpeian  rock, 
Lay  Foraker,  reduced  to  nil, 

Listless  of  any  sound  or  shock, 

Limp  as  a  rag  and  void  of  will. 
"Pluto,"  said  Ted,  "I  hate  to  knock, 
But  Joe,  I  see,  is  lying  still. " 

Lorn,  lonesome  in  the  jaundiced  mist, 

A   gray  Tree  reared    its    gnarl    and 

knot; 
A  hardshell  Tree,  whose  sturdy  twist 

Showed  the  healed  scars  of  many  a 

swat. 

Behold !      What  ho !     '  T was  Uncle  Joe, 
Securely  rooted  to  the  spot. 


THE   TEDDYSEE  75 

About  this  noble  wooden  chunk 

The  hurricane  of  Progress  blew, 
But  Joseph  neither  budged  nor  shrunk 
From   the   hard    rocks  on  which  he 

grew. 
''Chop,  if  you  will,  this  old  gray  trunk, 

But   spare   My  Country's  wool   and 
glue!" 

A  tremor  twitched  his  tattered  twig 
Beholding  Teddy's  outlines  faint; 

Then  whistled  he:  "I  don't  renege— 

If  you're  Republican,  I  ain't." 
"I  half  suspect  that  you're  correct," 

Teddy  replied,  with  some  restraint. 

More  words  had  passed,  but  Pluto's  snort 
Broke  in:    "Come,  Teddy,   stir  your 
feet! 

Eternity  seems  far  too  short 

When  two  Perpetual  Speakers  meet. 

The  next  to  view  is  Aldrich,  who 
Will  furnish  us  a  pretty  treat. 

Through  the  weird  Vale  of  Nature-Fakes 
The  twain  did  wend  their  weary  way, 

Past  flying  cows  and  singing  snakes 

And   clawfoot   mules   that  att  their 
prey, 

Past  climbing  hogs  and  rabbit-frogs 

And  storkichicks,  both  red  and  gray. 


76  THE   TEDDYSEE 

The  ghost  of  Reverend  Mr.  Long 
Forever  climbed  the  lofty  trees, 

Where  apelike  horses  sat  in  song 
In  altitudes  one  seldom  sees. 
"They  don't  exist!  "  Tedysses  hissed, 
Though  obviously  ill  at  ease. 

Soon  Pluto  and  Tedysses  came 

To  an  ice  cliff  topcapped  with  snows, 
Up  whose  smooth  sides  a  ghost  of  fame, 

N.  Aldrich,  clomb  with  naked  toes: 
As  up  he  wore  he  madly  bore 

A  dollar  balanced  on  his  nose. 

'Gainst  the  smooth  slope  he  slowly  stepped, 
His  straining  sinews  sorely  sot, 

Balanced  the  coin  with  nose  adept 
Till  halfway  up  the  peak  he  got, 

When  sudden — zip!  — with  frightful  flip 
Down  the  slick,  slippery  slide  he  shot. 

Undaunted  by  that  bumptious  fall, ' 

Another  dollar  he  obtained; 
This  on  his  nose  he  set  withal, 

And  to  the  peak  again  he  strained. 
"What's  this  grim  joke?"  Tedysses  spoke. 
Whereat  N.  Aldrich  thus  explained: 

1  'This  icy  pinnacle  you  see 

Is  called  the  Solid  Interest; 


THE   TEDDYSEE 


77 


Ten  million  years  I'm  doomed  to  be 
Its  climbing  toy,  its  bitter  jest. 

Upon  my  nose  I  thus  repose 

My  Currency — you  know  the  rest. 


As  summitward  again  he  toiled, 

Again  to  slip  and  downward  dart, 

His  dignity  forever  spoiled, 

His  temper  peevish  with  the  smart, 

A  bully  thrill  of  right  good  will 

Warmed     Theodore  s     progressive 
heart. 


78  THE    TEDDYSEE 


IV .  — He  Beholdeth  the  Specters  of  Famil- 
iar Monsters 

Upon  a  horrid,  hopeless  midland  weir 

Malformed,  gallumptious,  bulbous  brutes 
he  saw; 

Some  like  the   Singer   Building,   planet- 
reaching, 

Some  short  and  slimy,   squalid    but  im- 
mense. 

And  yet,  withal,  they  bore  as  ha  If -devel- 
oped 

A   sort   of   human   shape — yet,    oh,    how 
twisted, 

Swollen,  lopsided,  fat,  mal-specialized, 

As   in   the   spectral   swamps   they  rolled 
about, 

Babbled  of  mergers,  panics,  stock  reports, 

Tearing  their  flabby  sides  and   bleeding 
bullion. 

Tedysses  sudden  standing  in  their  midst, 

An  awful  silence  struck  their  mad  carouse. 

Then,  like  a  million  boilers  belching  steam, 

They  reared  haunch-high  and  raised  this 

hellish  salvo: 

"Hail,    Great   Pile-Driver   of   the   mighty 
chug! 

Thou  who  from  realms  of  daylight  ham- 
mered us 

To  deeps  of  Stygian  Orcus,  by  the  fury 


THE   TEDDYSEE  79 

Which  thou  on  earth  didst  sway,  devoid 

of  mercy, 
Oh,  stay  thine  arm,  and  pity  us  in  Hell ! ' ' 

Tedysses,  unto  Pluto  turning,  said: 
'Who  are  these  vast  Homunculi  here  gath- 
ered— 
These   monstrous    near-Men    lummoxing 

about? 

They  seem  to  recognize  me;  yet  their  like 
I've  never  met  in  all  my  lecture  tours." 
Pluto  unto  the  giants  turned  and  cried: 
'Since  our  Distinguished  Tourist  wants  to 

know 
More  of  you — come  now,  give  your  college 

yell!" 

Whereat  the  monsters  thus  their  roar  in- 
toned: 

4 '  We  are  the  Grafters, 

We  are  the  Thugs, 
We  are  the  Crooks  and  the  Shorts  and 

Ugs; 
We  are  the  Preds 

And  the  wealthy  Mais, 
We  are  the  Corporation  Pals; 
We  are  the  Rebate  Spoils  Distributors, 
We  are  the  Campaign  Fund  Contributors; 
The  Meddling  Mats, 
The  Mollycods, 


80  THE   TEDDYSEE 


The  Standing  Pats, 

The  Salary  Gods; 
The  grubs  of  Gammon, 
The  slaves  of  Mammon; 
The  Pork-Keg  Grabbers, 
The  Cork-Leg  Stabbers; 

The  Senate-protected, 

Boodle-directed, 

Toothless, 

Truthless, 

Utterly  ruthless, 

Soot-bad, 

Loot-mad 

Cogs  unclean 

Of  the  old  Republican  Coin  Machine. 

Har!     Har! 

That's  what  we  are! 

Huroo!!" 

Tedysses  gazed  a  while  with  looks  elate; 
Then  said  to  Pluto:  "This  is  simply  great. 

When  we  get  out  of  this 

It  wouldn't  be  amiss 
To  put  an  extra  padlock  on  the  gate. ' ' 

V.  —  The  Elevator  Descendeth  with  the 

Latest  Load 
They  struggled  a  while  in  a  downward 

direction 

To  a  cave  plainly  marked,  ' '  Editorial  Sec- 
tion'." 


THE    TEDDYSEE  81 


Close  to  this  portal 
Of  terrors  immortal 

Covered  with  fetters 

Sat  Bellamy  Storer, 
Typewriting  letters 

And  looking  still  sorer. 
These  billets,  marked  "Private,"  I  blush 

to  confess, 
Were  quickly  devoured  by  the  fiends  of 

the  press. 
In  this  busy  department, "  said  Pluto  to 

Ted, 
"You'll  find  a  fresh  editor  lashed  to  a 

Post, 
With  the  Sun  in  his  eyes  and  the  World 

on  his  head— 
"We'll  cut  out  this  show,"  said  Ted  to 

his  host. 
'Since  I've  got  a  long  life  on  the  Outlook 

before  me, 

I'm  weary  of  printers;    and  editors  bore 
me." 

As  Teddy  thus  spoke 

From  the  darkness  there  bounced 
An  imp  black  with  smoke 

Who  distinctly  announced: 
'There's  a  fresh  load  o'  spooks  of  a  serious 

natur' 
Jest  bein'  sent  down  by  the  west  elevator. 


THE   TEDDYSEE 


To  the  west  elevator  they  speedily  loped. 
The  Victims  poured  out  as  the  great  door 

was  oped 

And  the  first  to  arrive  on  the  Stygian  tarns 
Were   Sherman   and   Lorimer,   Woodruff 

and  Barnes. 

"Well,  boys,"  said  Tedysses, 
"You've  got  to  the  place 
WTiere  one  seldom  misses 

A  popular  face. ' ' 
Whereat  the  Big   Four,   with    a   sigh  of 

regret, 

Lined   up   and   delivered    this   mournful 
quartet: 

Sentimental  Song 
In  the  fields  of  our  en-deav-or,  when  we 

worked  in  days  of  yore, 
We  mowed  down  miles  and  miles  of 
golden  grain— 

Tra-la-la-loo! 
But  to  them  Old  Head-quar-ters  we  will 

ne'er  go  back  no  more, 
For   happy  days   won't   never   come 
again. 

(Close  harmony) 
The  Same  Old  Gang  sets  silent  round  the 

empty  ballot-box, 

Joe  Cannon's  picture's  turned  against 
the  wall; 


83 


Their  campaign  buttons  need  a  shine,  and 

holes  are  in  their  sox 
As  this  refrain  they  warble  thro'  the 
hall: 

Chorus 

1  'The  Old  Machine  is  bursted,  mother  dear! 
There's  a  clothesline  tied  around  the  run- 

ning gear. 

Can't  we  coax  some  kindly  Trust 
To  relieve  the  wheels  of  rust? 
For 

the  Old 

Machine 

is  rotten, 

Mother  dear!  !" 


VI— The  Windlass  is  Again  Hoisted 

Weary  of  ghosts  Ted  turned  his  toughened 

tissues 

Back  to  the  sunlit  earth  of  living  issues— 
The  earth  of  platforms,  policies  and  kings, 
And  just  about  a  million  Other  Things; 
The  World  of  Struggles,  where  the  human 

race, 

Being  from  torpor  shook, 
May  learn  at  last  to  look 
Truth,  the  Magnificent  Bromide,   in  the 
face. 


UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA  LIBRARY 
BERKELEY 

THIS  BOOK  IS  DUE  ON  THE  LAST  DATE 
STAMPED  BELOW 

Books  not  returned  on  tta.  are 
per  volume  after  the  t{"™W  J          Books  not  in 

is  made  before 

expiration  of  loan  period. 


QCT  24  »Wt 

APR  5    1975 


DEC  2  7  1986 


50m-7,'l 


GENERAL  LIBRARY -U.C.  BERKELEY 


UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA  LIBRARY 


UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA  LIBRARY 
BERKELEY 

THIS  BOOK  IS  DUE  ON  THE  LAST  DATE 
STAMPED  BELOW 

Books  not  returned  on  time  are  subject  to  a  fine  of 
50c  per  volume  after  the  third  day  overdue,  increasing 
to  $1.00  per  volume  after  the  sixth  day.  Books  not  in 
demand  may  be  renewed  if  application  is  made  before 
expiration  of  loan  period. 


OCT  3   1917 


